Author Archives: melagiebam

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Majority of toxic or abusive behaviours in relationships begin from the very first day of the relationship. How? Abusive or toxic behaviours begin in two ways.

1. Through your partner’s actions or opinions
2. Through your omission or acceptance ( verbally or non-verbally)

For example, you just met your partner and fall in love with him, right? Each time your friend rings, he’ll tell you not to answer the call because he wants to spend the time with you. He tells you, “I love you so much and I just want to spend some quality time with you.” So, because you believe that he loves you, you accept and ignore your friend’s calls.

What has just happened? Three things just happened:

1. You just made him set a rule that will govern the relationship. And what is the rule? The rule is that you shouldn’t speak to your friends while he’s with you. So when you finally move in with him, that rule continues – no friendship. I want to spend all the time with you. You’re mine! And this rule may extend to your family members. What happens when he’s not there all the time? Loneliness kicks in because he’s succeeded to chase all loved ones.


2. Through your omission or acceptance, you just made him understand that whatever thing he tells you, you have to obey. Why? Because you didn’t have the guts to question his opinion or decision. That, in a way, silences your voice in the relationship right from the beginning.


3. Because you couldn’t question his decisions or behaviour from the beginning, who tells you he/she is going to listen to you when you attempt to? In fact, when you start doing that, it will be another hell, because he’ll start telling you that you no longer respect him and so, he begins to exhibit emotional and physical abuse against you.

Why do we allow this from the beginning?
It’s because we fail to spot the signs, and we do so for varied reasons

1. We’re always so much in love such that every behaviour at that time is an expression of love.


2. We’re usually not bold enough to questions our partners’ behaviours from the onset. This may be because we lack the confidence, we want to show them that we’re submissive or we may not even know how to approach it.


3. We’re usually scared that we may lose them. Many partners don’t question toxic behaviours because they may be seen as “disrespectful” or “bossy” or “troublesome” and so our partner may discontinue the relationship. It’s better for the relationship to end at the start, than you getting into it and not happy. They say “A broken courtship is better than a bad marriage.”


4. We don’t identify our needs in the relationship from the onset because we want to please our partner. And when we eventually begin doing so, it’s regarded as disrespect.


5. We don’t set healthy boundaries from the start. And so we allow one partner to do as he/she pleases.

By setting emotional, communication, physical, financial, spiritual and material boundaries, we’re alerting the other partner on where the line is drawn. He/she better respect it or quits.

1. We rejected their first offer or gesture, and thus, created a rule. You remember when he first offered to wash the dishes, and you said, “No, don’t bother. It’s my duty to wash them…?” Well, you unconsciously set a rule to wash the dishes forever!


2. We fail to create a level playing field from the start. We don’t come into the relationship as equals. Women would usually make the men look like the god in the relationship. The man makes the rule, do what he pleases and so on; while the woman stays at the obedient end. We shouldn’t forget that reciprocity is the key to relationships.


3. We don’t usually have enough courtship. Many partners rush into relationships, without enough time to know each other. One minute they’re in love, the next minute they’re married. Courtship is vital because it’s a study period for both partners. And it takes time to know someone’s personalities.


4. We may have little or no exposure to life (ignorance). When we’re not exposed to realities of life, we may easily do all the above. Thankfully, today we can learn everything we need to know just by a click.

So, whether you’re single, in a courtship or married, these are some of the key factors to consider for, and in your relationship. Whatever rule you set at the start may likely continue through the relationship. Therefore, watch what you authorise consciously or unconsciously.

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For many, this phrase may be heard for the first time. I won’t be surprised, because the first time I heard it, I had no clue what it meant. No wonder I was drained emotionally, physically and otherwise. All along, I felt guilty of finding and spending some quality time with myself. I felt guilty to spend my hard-earned money on myself. I was running around like a headless chicken trying to satisfy everyone, except myself. I wanted these people to validate me.

The love for me and my happiness was depended on what others gave me. And guess what? I got far less than I deserved. I felt like my sacrifices were in vain. In fact, the more I sacrificed, the less happy I was. Was it wrong to sacrifice for others? Absolutely not. The issue is that I didn’t love and value myself as others. My limiting beliefs had taught me that “I can only be happy if others make me happy”. And that’s a Fat Lie.

Over the years, knowing who I am and valuing me, I made a conscious decision to find my “Me Time”. Whether its 30 mins, 1hour, a whole day or a week, this is my time allocated for ME. During this time, I mentally and physically zoom out everybody. I give my focus on me. I may dance, sing, reflect on my dreams, read a book, watch a movie, re-strategize, eat some good food, go shopping, do my nails – just anything to pamper myself. Is that selfishness? No! It’s called Self-Love. And when I do, it enhances my mental and physical health which then benefits those around me.

So, my dears, nobody can love you more than you love yourself. And it is your responsibility to love and care for yourself. Find your “Me Time” and use it. You deserve it. If you learned something, share with a friend or family. To get more posts and learn more, visit our Facebook and be part of us.

Stay Blessed.

The word, Mental Health to most people, especially in minority communities, depicts an image of a scruffy person, roaming the streets. According to them, someone with mental health is a “mad person.” No wonder, this naivety would cause many people to refute the fact that there’s mental health. Most would attribute mental health as a “fabricated” disease; a disease for “attention seekers”, but yet, these same people seem to be struggling with mental health daily.

This is Mental Health Awareness Week, and the aim is to raise awareness on the rate and devastation of mental health within our communities. A recent report by the World Health Organisation (WHO) states that “1 in 4 people in the world will be affected by a mental disorder at some point in their lives. Around 450 million people currently suffer from such conditions, placing mental disorders among the leading causes of ill-health and disability worldwide.” And to be honest, these figures are under-reported, given the increasing rate of mental disorders. So what is mental health?

Mental health is mental wellness or well-being. We can have excellent or poor mental health. It’s also an umbrella term for being emotionally or mentally well, or being able to manage mental disorders like anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addictions, low self-esteem, sleeping problems, phobias, personality or mood disorders, bipolar, schizophrenia, obsessive-compulsive disorders, Post-traumatic disorders, suicidal thoughts etc.

We all have times when we feel down, stressed or worried about issues. Sometimes, these feelings fade away. But sometimes, they develop into more severe problems, which may be challenging to manage. When that happens, it affects our mental health. It affects our ability to bounce back, make rational decisions, stay on track, be happy, form and maintain healthy relationships and achieve our dreams in life. A minor mental disorder like low self-esteem or anxiety or worrying, if not treated, can lead to severe mental disorders like depression, schizophrenia and suicide.

Our mental health changes as we navigate through stages in our lives, with varied circumstances. For example, the stress of Covid-19 will significantly affect our mental health. Same as losing a loved one can affect our mental health. That’s why it’s vital always to keep our mental health in check.

And the best way to do that is to learn to love and be kind to yourself. Yes, create positive emotions, establish positive relationships, find your purpose in life, engage yourself in absorbing activities and develop a sense of achievement for yourself. In addition to all of these, learn to show gratitude, help others, and take one day at a time.

Our mental health depends on our daily efforts to keep our mind healthy. Part of my vision for this forum is to help us maintain a healthy mind.

There is a famous phrase which states that “Cut your coat according to your size.” Well, people may want to cut their coats 1 or 2 sizes bigger or smaller for varied reasons. Irrespective of our choices, this statement emphasises the need for individuals to stay on his/her lane of life.

We live in a highly competitive world; with each one striving to meet their highest potentials, and be comfortable. In as much as competitiveness brings tons of benefits in our society, it also breeds negative thoughts, emotions and behaviours. It breeds jealousy, fear, frustration, anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, Rage, Loneliness, to name a few. These emotions subsequently are the root causes of mental and physical health.

We can’t deny the fact that life is like a motorway, with many lanes. We have slower lanes for drivers who can only run 30 or 40 miles per hour. And we have faster lanes for 50 to 90 miles per hour. The good news is that anyone can change lane at any time if they’re willing to respect the rules. But before you do that ensure that you have what it takes to match up; if not, you may become a hazard. You may also be frustrated, and it could be deadly.

So, what do you do to avoid all these? The simplest answer is to stay on your lane. Be grateful for what you have and what you are. So long as you have your destination( goals or dreams), go at your desired speed until you arrived at your destination. It is not the speed that matters; it is the vision, consistency and determination that matter. Don’t crash because you’re speeding to meet others or to overtake others. Take it one day at a time and stay focus. Be SMART!

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